Babies and sexuality

It's time to revive this blog from hibernation! My boyfriend and I have been together for more than two years now. We're pretty serious about getting married, and of course, the issue of children popped up. I'm not a big fan of children, and neither is he. So, for now, we're both content on not having children when we enter marriage, at least for the first five years.

However, I know a friend whose husband wanted a child, but she was rather reluctant in having it. In the end though, I found her tired and harried, holding a noisy little baby with a cute nose and a wide open mouth. Now, why is it that women somehow seem to have less say and authority over matters that concern their bodies? Children are tied, literally and metaphorically, to a woman's body and sexuality.

For nine months, an expectant woman has to change her lifestyle, working, eating, and sexual habits to accommodate the growing child. Her body and emotions also undergo major transformations. After the most intense unimaginable pain of giving birth, the mother needs to restructure and devote almost her entire life to nursing the baby for the next few years. It is bad enough that a miraculous thing like pregnancy can be used to rob a woman of her job and livelihood, like the Beatrice Fernandez case.

Life doesn't get easier after pregnancy. Women are either expected to give up their career to care for the child, or they are forced to be Superwoman - juggling between nursing a baby, cleaning the house, feeding the hubby, meeting deadlines, clear a mountain of paperwork etc etc. It doesn't help that there is a severe lack of childcare facilities in companies, which could enable women to work and take care of a child at the same time. Giving fathers only a few days of paternity leave, while giving 60 days of maternity leave to mothers only reinforces men's roles as mere onlookers in the act of parenting. This is rather unfortunate as both father and mother ought to have equal participation in parenting; it is criminal to rob a father of his joy in nurturing a child from young, especially when the infant years are crucial for building bonds and fostering trust.

What's a woman to do if she longs to continue her career while having a young child? Most likely, she will end up trying to be a superhero juggling a multitude of things, while her husband is reduced to saying good night to his child after a long day's work, or good morning before he dashes off to beat the morning traffic. It is time for women to stop attempting to be superheros, and for men to have greater opportunities and participation in parenthood, without censure, social or economic punishment.

Women's choices over their bodies, including the decision to bear children or not, should be respected. Physical birth is not necessary to determine the identity of a child; men and women can be parents without bearing children. Likewise, people can bear children but not be parents. It is a couple's mental and emotional commitment that identifies a child as theirs, not the child's physical birth. A woman should not be condemned for choosing to adopt rather than give birth for whatever reasons, or for even not having any children; neither should a couple be censured for choosing to live a married life without children.